Two
years ago I brought home my two children from Haiti and I dropped out
of academia. It did not take me long to realise that I would not
engage in any academic activity for a long time. My children needed
exclusive attention, not only for their young age (they were almost
two years old), but also and especially for the effects of the
traumata that they had experienced. So, I stopped being a scholar and
became a full-time mother.
My
background as a researcher in the humanities has influenced my
parenting at least on two levels. In the first place, it has provided
resources to investigate into the effects of early deprivation and
other forms of traumata and to develop strategies, responses and
healing methods on my own, without necessarily having to rely on the
minimal help adoptive parents usually get from adoption
practitioners. In the second place, my experience as a white scholar
in Black Studies has served as a jumping-off point for mothering.
Basically, I started off as a mother where I had left off as a
scholar.
As
a white scholar I had gradually grown uncomfortable with my position.
The discomfort came from the fact that I was dealing with race merely
at the theoretical level: I was not Black, so there was no direct
experience mirroring my reflections on race. Therefore, I gradually
progressed from talking about Blackness towards talking about
whiteness. I increasingly felt the need to position myself and that
is how I started engaging in the practice of ego-criticism,
incorporating autobiographical elements into my research. Now,
obviously, in our daily life as a family, race is not merely
theoretical.
As
a white mother I have to be aware of the fact that I am not equipped
by experience with the necessary baggage to deal with racial issues
and to empower my children. I also have to be aware of the fact that
as much as I can try to identify with my children (as much as I try
to become
Black), the experiences that they will make with regard to race will
always be at least partly beyond my reach. (The same, and even more
so, can actually be said of the experience of loss on which my
children’s life started, but this goes beyond the scope of these
reflections.) This implies an extra effort on my part, an added
responsibility to the love, nurture and guidance required from any
parent.
White
parents of Black children growing up in a predominantly white context
have to interrogate their shortcomings in what they can provide for
their children to become self-confident adults and have to make up
for them by engaging in what I see as a form of activism on a
micro-level. I call it activism because its primary goals are
empowering Black children and raising consciousness among non-Black
people. This involvement operates at a micro-level, that is, within
the family and its immediate social sphere, and it is largely non
confrontational (it does not imply demonstrations and massive
protests). It basically consists in putting together an empowerment
kit for Black children to thrive.
In
the following I am presenting a few bullet points for an empowerment
kit meant for parents of pre-school children. It goes without saying
that not only the age but also the personality of the child in
question and the context in which the child is brought up will
determine the relevance of one or the other empowerment tool, and
that each family has their own way of dealing with race and adoption
and of responding to their children’s needs.
1.
Don’t be afraid of naming race
Avoid
pretending to be colour blind, because thinking that their colour
doesn't matter will not help children find their place in the world
(in any case they'll soon discover that colour-blindness is an
hypocrisy). Also avoid euphemisms such as brown or
dark-skinned, which will only further confuse them. We don't
use such euphemisms and diversifications for white people, so what's
the use of going chromatic? Children need to know who they are, what
they look like and in how far the way they look affects responses
from people around them. From a very young age children can learn the
political notion of Blackness and find pride in being part of a
community. Naming whiteness as much as you name Blackness helps
counteracting the assimilation of whiteness as the norm. My children
have learned to say such and such person are white, Black or Asian.
They rejoice and take pride in seeing themselves reflected in other
Black children.
2.
Don’t be afraid of naming racism
Whenever
you find some attitudes tainted by racism, talk about it explicitly
with your children. White obsession with Black hair (touching,
intrusive questions) is no innocent curiosity; being taken unwanted
pictures is not flattering; comments about Black children's bodily
strength and sense of rhythm , even if well meant, are troublesome.
Don’t buy into the downplaying of racism. You are not making your
children into paranoids, but simply teaching them to recognise
implicit meanings and defend themselves. I was very proud of my
daughter during a visit at the zoo some time ago. A woman was looking
at a monkey and commenting on how sweet it was. Then she looked at my
daughter and said: “Oh, you're sweet too!” And she took
out her cell phone to take a picture of the child with the monkey in
the background, at which my daughter promptly shouted: “Stop! No
pictures!” It was the first time I did not have to intervene
personally and only smiled with pride from afar at my self-conscious
three-year old.
3.
Make Blackness present and visible
Black
children live in a world dominated by whiteness. It is worth making
the effort to make Blackness visible at least in your home, through
books, dolls, art, anything in which the children can see themselves
reflected. Fill in the gaps with princesses and super heroes and also
with adult role models (not only from sports, fashion and music).
Bombarding children with positive images of Black people and People
of Colour in general will help balance the unequal distribution of
prominence on a racial basis.
4.
Potentiate the presence of Black people in your children’s life
Provide
spaces where your children are not a racial minority (for example
playgroups with a large number of Black children); potentiate
friendships with Black families; make an effort to find Black
teachers or doctors or any adult who can become a reference figure
for your children. White socialised Black children need to be
connected to other Black children and adults to counteract the
alienation of being perceived as a minority.
5.
Take care of your children’s hair
Ignorance
about Black hair is very widespread. Many white parents do not know
how to take care of their children's hair and are also unaware of the
significance which Black hair is charged with. In this case, getting
informed is a must, as having well-kept hair is fundamental for
children (especially for girls) to develop a positive self image.
This might seem obvious, yet some white parents have their daughters'
hair cut off or left uncombed. Others resort to hairdressers, which
is a legitimate way of sparing time. However, I believe that each
child has a right to a parent's personal engagement in their personal
care, even more so if the child has come to the family through
adoption. In our case, weekly braiding my daughter's hair has been
crucial in the process of attachment. She has gradually moved from
screaming wildly and running away from me to actively asking to have
her hair done. Now she shows around her hair styles with pride, makes
a point of saying that “mum has done it” and refuses to have it
touched by anybody. In fact, her very first complete sentence when
she started to speak was: “Do not touch my braids!”
6.
Integrate the children's country of origin in the family's identity
It
is difficult to find the right balance with regard to how much
relevance to accord to the country of origin of adoptive children. On
the one hand, one doesn't want the children to feel they belong
somewhere else and therefore doesn't want to give too much importance
to the birth country. On the other hand, questions on the origins
come up almost on a daily basis (it is not uncommon for Black
Europeans to be asked where they are really from) and
therefore it can be quite disruptive for children if their parents
deny or try to ignore that part of their history.
Having
a direct knowledge of their birth country and being able to form for
themselves a realistic image of it, away from the exoticised or
victimised representations they will most likely receive form the
outside, will reinforce the children's confidence and sense of
belonging. Therefore, it is important for the parents themselves to
“adopt” their children's birth country and make it part of their
own identity. This, of course, implies making an effort to engage
with the country's history, language and culture and making it part
of the family's background, but without going to the extreme of
appropriating what is actually foreign.
We
have made some Haitian Creole songs part of our good night rituals
and have integrated some typically Haitian expressions in our
family's lexicon. When asked about our children's origins, we have
found that differentiating between the children's origins and our
owns would only be confusing for the children and have opted for
answers which include the whole family rather than any single
members, such as: “We are Haitian-Italians from Frankfurt.” Of
course it might come a point when the children want to be from only
one place, but at that stage that will be their own decision. Our
task for the moment is not to restrict their identity, but to provide
them instead with a sense of privilege of resorting to multiple
backgrounds and of being able to choose between them according to
their convenience.
7.
Offer a palette of responses to intrusiveness
“Are
they your own children?” “Is your husband very dark?” “Adopted?
Did it cost much?” “Do you know their real parents?”
These are only some of the questions which usually come from complete
strangers and which put into question the legitimacy of our family on
a daily basis. Add to this other forms of intrusiveness (strangers
reaching out to touch my children while I'm busy paying at the
supermarket cashier, parents taking out their cell phones to take
pictures of my children at the playground, teenagers staring in
dismay at my children's umbilical hernia at the swimming pool) and
you can easily imagine that the life of adoptive mixed-race families
in public spaces can become a mixture of discomfort and preventive
hostility if such intrusiveness is not dealt with appropriately.
Responding
appropriately means finding strategies that put you in control
of the situation and not letting your day be spoiled. There isn't of
course a unique right strategy: you can can choose to lecture people;
you can answer with sarcasm or good-humoured irony; you can turn
around and walk away; you can laugh aloud or fight back. In such
situations, never forget that the priority are your children. Your
task is to protect them and provide them with tools that will make
them able to deal with such intrusiveness on their own terms in the
future. Therefore it is important that you train yourself into
adopting different strategies, according to your moods and the degree
of openness you feel it right to concede. In this way you will offer
your children a palette of possible responses and you will make it
clear to them that they can decide for themselves on how to respond,
without feeling obliged to be nice when they are actually feeling
uncomfortable or offended.
It
is also important, after such incidents, not to overlook the effect
it might have had on your children. Talk about it with them, even if
only briefly, and explain why you reacted the way you did. (An
example: my daughter, who was used to me reacting very strongly
whenever a stranger touched her hair, looked at me in confusion the
day a Black man rested his hand on her head and I acknowledged his
gesture with a smile. I explained to her and her brother afterwards
why I find it not right for white strangers to touch their head while
I don't feel the same way with Black people. Since then, they've
learned to make the difference themselves and, in any case, they've
got confident enough to respond the way they want according to the
moment.)
Another
point I've tried to make clear to my children is that intrusive
adults can be put off while other children, especially if small,
always deserve an answer or an explanation. This is actually the
easiest part. Children usually ask questions such as “Are they from
Africa?” or “Did they come out of your belly?”, to which one
can answer briefly and effectively: “No, they're from here. And
you?” and “No, they came out of my heart. They're very special.”
Finally,
it is crucial that, whenever you decide to be open and polite, you
provide answers that are empowering for your children (they are
watching, they are listening, therefore your response is actually
directed to them). A typical comment we get when the issue of
adoption is approached is: “Oh, you've done a very good deed. These
children must be grateful”. Our answer: “No, we should be
grateful. We're very lucky to have them.” To questions and comments
about their umbilical hernia we can say: “They've got a bold navel.
You have a shy one, don't you?” or “No, we're not planning to
have it operated. It is part of their history. They're warriors.”
There are many possible ways to empower your children by stressing
how special and wonderful they are, while at the same time putting
off intrusive strangers.
8.
Deal openly with stereotypical and racist representations
From
a very young age children absorb stereotypical and denigrating views
of People of Colour. If not counteracted, this can result in a
diminishing self-image, no matter how much self-confidence you try to
instil in your children. I believe the best way to deal with this
with young children is making them aware of stereotypes and
denigrating images. When someone makes a comment about my children's
dancing and singing abilities or physical strength, connecting this
to their origins and race, I say to my children things like: “Sure
you dance well. But that's because you are very talented and you
learn quickly.” Children need to take pride in their uniqueness and
personal abilities. Believing that they can dance or sing well
because they are Black would only deprive them of the basic need of
seeing their personal merit acknowledged.
However,
stereotypical and denigrating representations are absorbed by
children in more subtle ways (racist images or the sheer absence of
positive images of People of Colour in children's books, cartoons and
toys). My children love being read to and being shown picture books.
Even if at this stage I am the one who chooses books for them, we
constantly come across questionable representations, offensive
terminology and disturbing generalisations. Needless to say,
censoring (giving the book away) doesn't help to protect the
children, since they will be exposed to such images in any case, so
it is better to work on such issues proactively.
Denigrating
images can be shown to children once, explaining to them if possible
why you don't find them acceptable, and then glossed over in the
following readings, always making clear that you are doing this on
purpose, for example by saying: “I'm skipping this page because
it's not nice”. Abusive terminology can be substituted. Again, you
can name the word once to children by providing explanations and then
say: “Here is a word we don't want to hear again. Let's change it.”
Generalisations can also be dealt with quite easily with young
children, by simply providing details. For example, any time a story
is set in Africa without specification of the country, I make a point
of saying: “Ok, but Africa is a very big continent. Maybe we can
guess the country.” This prompts children to examine the images
more closely and to contextualise. Another possibility, whenever you
don't feel like dealing with these issues seriously (maybe your
children are not in the mood for mini-lectures either), is to
dismantle stereotypes in a more playful way. For example, every time
we come across representations of Native Americans I substitute the
word Indian with Italian. Of course my children, whose
entire family is Italian, know very well that Italians don't run
around with feathers on their head, so when they hear me saying “And
there came an aggressive tribe of Italians” they know it is a joke
(for me this is a way of showing to them that one can also defuse the
tension of being bombarded with disturbing representations).
My
children are now used to seeing me rework the books we read, crossing
out words, rewriting entire paragraphs and even glueing together
dislikable pages. The point I want to make to them is that you don't
need to be a passive receiver, that you can keep and enjoy what you
like and gloss over or change what you don't like, that you have a
right to your own vision.
9.
Respect biological parents and previous minders
Adoptive
children have been born twice. They have a previous history from
which they will most likely feel cut off, especially if the new
parents focus on the family's history as starting from the day the
children came to them. Having their previous history acknowledged and
respected is one of the basic needs of adoptive children. Especially
if adopted at a young age, children don't have access to their
memories. It is the task of adoptive parents to collect as much
information as possible on the children's origins and experiences
prior to adoption and to record and safeguard this memory. In our
case (our children came to us when they were not yet two), we made an
effort to record the twenty-one months of our children's life before
they came home: visiting the places where they were kept before
entering the orphanage, taking pictures of the employees of the
orphanage and of the other children and writing down their names,
taking notes on the typical daily routine at the orphanage, anything
that might help provide answers to the children's future questions
and fill up the void attached to abandonment and uprooting.
In
the best effort to protect their children, many parents do not bring
up issues related to the children's experience prior to adoption, in
spite of the fact that many adoption practitioners are of a different
opinion. By doing so, however, they are protecting themselves rather
than their children, and the void in their children's life will only
be made larger by absence of information and acknowledgment. Another
element to take into consideration is that a child's sense of
security comes from resting on stable ground. If children are cut off
from their previous history, they might never be able to have this
sense of security. We decided, for example, to put in our children's
room some pictures of the orphanage and especially of the people who
took care of them. We did so because we wanted our children to know
that those people did not simply disappear the day we took them home
and because we wanted to create a connection between their past and
present history.
For
parents who are willing to keep for their children the memory of
their biological parents and previous minders, it is important to do
so without demonising these people but without idealising them
either. One should try to be as realistic as one can but always
showing empathy and understanding, and trying to stress the positive
sides of the otherwise usually tragic circumstances of abandonment,
for example: “Your mum left you in the vicinity of a hospital: she
really wanted you to be well taken care of.” You cannot fully
protect your children from their early history (abandonment,
deprivation, possibly mistreatment), but you can use what you know
and make your best out of it, because any child needs a rosy picture
of life for a healthy start off.
10.
Boost your children's self-confidence
This
last point resumes all the previous ones, as the final aim of all
them is to empower children into becoming self-confident adults.
However, there is something to be added to make it all round up. All
children need approval and encouragement. Black children, more so if
adopted, need extra approval and encouragement, because life is
tougher on them and because, for the majority of adopted children,
they started off on a rejection. Therefore, don't be afraid of making
them into spoiled children by telling them how wonderful and strong
and talented they are and how well they deal with difficulties. They
need you to stand behind them and they also need you to provide the
knowledge about their body, their history, their identity. One way of
doing this with young children is to work with them on their
biography, which will help them feel special and unique. I do this
work mostly with stories, rhymes and songs. I invent stories, I write
rhymes or I rewrite the lyrics of famous songs to tell my children
about their personal history. It gives children a huge sense of pride
to find themselves named in a song, to see themselves reflected in a
story or to have their history celebrated in a rhyme. They become
heroes, warriors, magic creatures, and they soon start up elaborating
their own stories, wording their own views. Telling one's own story
is empowering, we all know that, so “My life matters” is the
message I want to pass on to my children as the basis of their
resilience and their empowerment as Black Europeans.
